It's been awhile. I'll be quite honest, I've forgotten this thing still existed. But, the internet is everlasting and things float on forever. Having said that, I'm just going to write about some things that have been going on lately. Much has happened to me since I last wrote anything on here. Some good. Some not so good. And some, quite awful. However, I like writing. So, that is what I shall do!
Where to begin? Let's start with something uplifting. I still have a great job! I got transferred to a different department in October of 2015. It was unnerving at first. Meeting new people and having to start over is not something I'm exactly great at. But I have met and become great friends with many people in my new area. Friends I hope to keep for the rest of my life in fact. It's rare to find such connections with people. Especially in the work place. So, I am somewhat grateful I got moved to a new department. New beginnings is a big part of what life for all of us is all about. Moving forward is what is important. As humans we cannot help it sometimes when we dwell on the past. Sometimes, even the present. Hell, even when the past and present are clashing like a tidal wave of emotions you cannot even comprehend. We all have issues.Nobody is perfect. Not even Tom Hanks! I love the guy. He's got it all. Acting chops. The awards. The charisma. Family. Charm. (uhh, Forrest Gump) End of story. Ok, enough about my idol... Humility. That is something I feel like the world as of late is sorely lacking. It may be a lost cause in some people's eyes at this point. But, dammit. We're all on this planet together. It's our only home. And it will be our only home for the foreseeable future. Be good to one another. Even if they're not like you. Or see things like you do. Malice is for the truly wicked, not the misunderstood.
Moving on to the new year. Ah, 2016. I expected such great things of you. Half of it has passed. And of that half, most of it has been nothing but pain, sadness, and pure agony. January: great. February: not bad. March.... March 25th my life got an unexpected blow straight through the heart. Something I'm not so sure I will be able to ever overcome. Since 2011 my best friend and only roomie I've ever had at home has been my little fury friend named Kramer. He was a Maine Coon cat that I found on my porch when he was only about 6 weeks old. I decided to take him in, and keep him indoors at all costs given the fact that I live far out in the country. If I was going to devote so much to an animal, I wasn't about to let it stay outside and potentially get eaten by something. In those 5 years, he became my rock. He followed me everywhere. It didn't matter what I did inside the house. He wanted to be near me. Later I found out that Maine Coon cats are like that in personality. They act more like a dog than a regular cat. They are extremely clingy and require attention from their owners most of the time. Unfortunately, I live alone. So, I was the only life he had. I was his world. And he was mine. He would run to me when I'd walk in the door from work wanting to be held and loved. All he ever wanted was to be in my lap getting attention except for when he was sleeping. He had a better personality than most people I've met in my life. All he knew was love. Whether that was giving it or receiving it. Rather than meow and howl like a regular cat, he would simply "chirp" at me. Basically, they were half assed "meows". Just little cute sounds that were different every time. Except, for when he heard the very rare sound of a can of cat food being opened. He literally went bonkers for canned food. But I tried to keep him healthy and rarely gave it to him. He even enjoyed watching TV! I'll never forget the first time I put E.T. on for him. He sat by my feet in the recliner and just stared. The scene where E.T. gets scared when Gerdie screams at the sight of him and E.T.'s neck extends and screams himself... Kramer jumped off the chair, ran behind the couch and then watched cautiously from around the corner! He had no idea what was happening. I laughed off and on for almost an hour. Early on, maybe only about 6 to 8 months of having him, he had a crazy episode. There was this commercial a few years back about a cat playing the classic song "chopsticks" with actual "chopsticks". It was a thing. Youtube it. Anyways, Kramer was sitting next to me when that particular commercial came on my TV and he literally freaked the hell out. Started running into things, from one end of the house to the other just going nuts. At the time, I had absolutely no freaking idea what was going on! He just started acting nuts all of the sudden. So, I finally picked him up and calmed him down trying to figure out what was wrong with him. After a few minutes I put things together and realized that he had not seen another cat for who knows how long. So, I rewound the TV back to the beginning of the commercial. I held him up near my shoulder just like you would a baby. Just the way he liked. Then I pressed play... Faced him to the TV again. Immediately, claws dug into me in fear. His eyes widened and he began to shake! I scurried for the remote to turn it off but I was too late. He had already gotten too scared once again. Except this time... He peed all over me in the process HAHA! I got him calmed down shortly after with a giant helping of canned cat food. I could go on and on about the memories I have with my baby boy. But I don't expect any one who is reading this to fully understand the bond we truly had. He was a cat after all. Most people do not have that kind of connection with a cat. It's just not common. But, Kramer was special. I've known a lot of cats growing up in my life. This was different. He was the shining light in my life of darkness. The only one I could truly count on to be there to love me everyday when I got home. So, onto the sadness. I had noticed for the past couple of weeks Kramer was not eating well. Was not acting like his normal self. So, I tried changing his food type up. No change. After another week I tried incorporating lots of canned food as well. His favorite! He would gobble for a bit and just leave the rest. He was a tad overweight but nothing unhealthy. But I noticed he seemed like he was having a hard time breathing. On the 23rd I came home and he was nowhere to be found. I literally spent over 5 minutes looking for him in my house. Calling out to him. This was obviously not in his nature. He wanted nothing more than to be right there at the door when I got home. I finally found him curled up behind a recliner. It took me another 2 minutes just to get him to come to me. I could tell immediately that once he came out to see me that he was in pain. So the next morning I took him straight to the vet for a checkup. Because he was an indoor only cat, and that I was the only person he was used to being around, he would not let them handle him. I had to leave him overnight so they could sedate him. That way they could do a thorough X-Ray and physical. I agreed and had to leave to be at work that evening. I asked my grandmother to pick him up in the morning and bring him home so he would be there when I woke up. March 25th... I woke up to the sound of someone in my house. My grandmother. So, I quickly got up, put on some shorts. Walked out of my room. Immediately started looking for Kramer. Saw my grandmother in the kitchen and asked her.... "Soooo, where's Kramer?" She said "He's not going to be able to come home sweetie." She started to cry. And hugged me. Told me that she knew that I loved him. But that I needed to go back to the vet so they could tell me what was actually going on. So, with as much manliness I had in me I said ok, told her bye, thanks... and walked back into my room. I can literally count on one hand how many times in my entire life that I've cried hard enough to be unable to move. Unable to think. Unable to comprehend. This one took the number one spot. I finally got my bearings, went to the vet. They explained to me that Kramer had gotten some form of fungal lung infection. That it had been there for a very long time. It had spread slowly. But at this point it had surrounded his heart, his entire lungs, and other organs. There was no way to save him. I cried again. But held myself together to figure out what the next steps were. They told me they had such a hard time handling him earlier that didn't want me to seem them fighting with him to sedate him. I told them no. I wanted to see him. I am the only person on this planet that he loves and trusts. I will spend my time with him and bring him to you. There won't be any fight if his Daddy has him. I walked into the kennel room. Dogs barking. So loud. They had to put the entire cat carrier I brought him in into the kennel because he would not come out of it. He was not used to any of that. The noises, the random people. He was terrified. I opened his kennel and called out to him. He cried back to me from inside his cat carrier. I reached in to pet him to let him know it was safe. After a minute or two he finally came out. To me. He would always come to me. Even with dogs going crazy all around us. He knew I was there to save him. To take him home and protect him. I picked him up and held my baby boy for the last time. Asked if the vet was ready for me to put him in the gas chamber to sedate him. Gave him the last kiss on his forehead and put him in the box. I had to watch. Watch Kramer crying in the bin being sedated. Looking at me. Crying. Trying to get out. Him looking right at me. Not saving him from it. It is a look I will never forget for the rest of my life. I know that I did what I had to do. That there was no saving him. But nobody on this planet had to look him in the eyes like I did. To be the one that had his trust to finally come out of his box so I could protect him... Only to kill him instead. All in all, putting a pet down is tough. Kramer was more than a pet for me. He was my child. And basically me betraying him in his eyes in his final moments will haunt me for the rest of my life.
It's getting rather late. That took a lot out of me. I'm sorry for it being so depressing! But, I just wanted people to know what Kramer was like and how everything actually went down.
I'll continue the rest of this years craziness in my next entry. Hopefully sooner than the last entry I made! To anyone who is actually reading this.... Thank you. I'm love to write. And I promise not everything I write about is depressing or controversial. I just really needed to get the above off of my chest.
"Be, at absolute worst, decent to other people. It costs nothing to be decent to people, and it could be worth everything to someone who wasn't expecting it."
-Jake
